If Blondies Were Cats
by Rethira
Summary: You can bet they'd rule the world. And even if they haven't quite got there yet, at least Iason only has to put up with Raoul complaining about Riki. CRACK, oneshot.


This is pure crack. I'm sorry for that, because I love AnK, but seriously guys, there can only be so much angst in a fandom before _someone_ turns them into cats. I just happen to be that someone.

Warnings: crack, possible (nay, probable) OOC and an omake that will hopefully make you laugh yourself silly. Also, they're cats.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ai no Kusabi or any characters therein. I make no money from this fanfiction.

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**If Blondies Were Cats...**

Iason liked watching the outside world. He would sit on his plush cushion – cleaned daily, to remove any dust or fluff that had accumulated – and look out of the window. He would watch the world go by and would be eternally thankful that he sat inside, ruler of his domain. The human servants would come and go and tend to his needs, as and when he saw fit. His every command was law, and he no longer even needed to enforce it. Merely a glance in their direction was enough for them to pull out a brush and begin combing through his luxurious fur. If they were particularly thorough, he would even deign to purr for them.

All in all, it was a good life, being Iason Mink, prizewinning champion show cat extraordinaire.

At least, it had been until one of the small humans – a human kitten, Iason believed – brought home a skinny, mangy kitten that mewed piteously as she carried him around. At least, the humans thought he was mewing piteously. Iason knew better and was quite sure that if they knew what the scrawny thing was actually saying, he would be back on the streets in no time.

"If you don't put me down, I will bite you, you little monster." The kitten was saying. Upon closer inspection, Iason realised that it wasn't a kitten at all, not anymore anyway. The stray was in that awful stage between kitten-hood and cat-hood. Iason glared at him from his perch on the windowsill, wondering if perhaps he ought to intervene. None of the other cats would, he knew. Katze was looking at him and glancing back at the kitten – obviously feeling sorry for the bedraggled runt, having come from the same place. Raoul looked distinctly less impressed and his tail was flicking furiously. Iason had no doubt that it would bottlebrush soon, if he allowed it.

"Please Mama, can we keep him? I promise I'll look after him." The human-kitten asked. Iason flicked his tail sharply.

"Put me down!" the kitten yelled and then he bit the human-kitten. She cried out of course, and dropped the runt. The large human started making shocked noises, but Iason was more concerned with the wayward kitten. It had darted away from the human-kitten and sadly, towards Iason, Katze and Raoul.

Iason was quietly impressed when his tail puffed up and his back arched impressively. The overall effect would have been more effective if he hadn't been soaked through, but no cat, not even a kitten, would have a bath in an unfamiliar place. It was unfortunate really, because Iason felt that the kitten would clean up very prettily if he just tried.

"Shall I deal with him?" Katze asked quietly. Iason was once again pleased with Katze's loyalty. He had been quite horrified originally when the humans had taken young Katze away and brought him back missing some rather significant parts, but in retrospect the idea had been quite brilliant. Even Raoul agreed, and Raoul was notoriously difficult to please.

Iason was just about to answer when one of the humans came in and picked the kitten up. It was fairly obvious that they were going to beat him or something – any kitten that bit anyone was treated like that, but Iason had the feeling that after smacking the fur ball around they were going to put him back outside. Iason decided there and then that it would be a crime to let such obviously gorgeous fur get ruined out there in the rain. So he elegantly stood, hopped down and sauntered over to the human, who was indeed smacking the kitten. Said kitten was spitting like a hellcat, which made Iason feel oddly warm inside. He had no time for weaklings. It was why he only allowed Katze and Raoul to remain in his presence rather than associate with the other toms and the queens.

"Mrrow." He said to the human, which roughly translated as 'Put it down and leave it alone.' He could feel Raoul glaring at him, but the human obeyed. The kitten – which wasn't exactly small, Iason was just bigger than average – glared at him for a while.

"I don't wanna be in debt to anyone, let alone a _housecat_. Let's get this over with." He flicked his tail and Iason couldn't help his amusement. The kitten made a motion with his head. He sat down next to the kitten and almost sighed when its small, raspy tongue dragged across his fur. The human tutted and walked away, doubtless to return to her kitten. He heard Raoul snort watch disinterestedly as his friend walked away, tail raised. After a few moments, Katze followed. Iason relaxed into the impromptu bath and wondered when he should call Raoul on the Katze thing. He watched, amused, as the kitten tried to wash him thoroughly but couldn't quite reach. It was quite pleasant, he decided, but not precisely what he wanted.

The look of surprise on the kitten's face was very much worth the slight indignity of washing it. It was especially satisfying when the kitten started mewing happily and leaning into his tongue. Iason hadn't washed anyone apart from himself in a very long time and this was eminently satisfying.

"This, uh, wasn't what I, MROOWL, meant." The kitten mewed. Iason purred slightly. The kitten was shaking slightly and an insistent purr kept rising in his throat.

"I know. But this is so much better."

Happily, the kitten's mews of pleasure continued to ricochet around the house for the rest of the day. When sleep finally became too tempting to resist – besides, Iason had to look his best and a few hours of beauty sleep were needed for every two hours he spent awake – Iason herded the shaky kitten to his new basket and draped himself across him. He was very pleased with how this had turned out – the kitten's fur was truly exquisite, very much like Iason's own fur and he was so very eager for Iason to wash him. He even offered baths in return, which was unnecessary but much appreciated.

Oh yes, Iason was very pleased. If only every day could be like this one.

The humans required very little persuasion to keep the kitten. The human-kitten called him Scruffy, which suited him as far as appearances go, but was not his name. After quite a while, Iason found out that the kitten's name was Riki and that he absolutely hated being a housecat. He didn't have much of a choice in the matter – the humans fitted a Pet Ring around his neck, like they did with most of the cats. Iason did not wear one, and neither did Raoul or Katze. This was because, Iason told Riki, they were trusted not to run off and join some silly street gang and get _fleas _and _mange_. The implication was that Riki wasn't, which Riki apparently took offence to, but it was really quite easy to settle him. A few well placed licks and Riki was rolling on the floor, purring madly.

Raoul was less impressed with Iason's sudden interest in what he saw as a mangy, scruffy, scrawny worthless kitten that had been born on the streets and would die on the streets. Iason decided against pointing out that the same could be said for Katze, because he didn't want that relatively new arrangement – 'you wash my back and I'll wash yours and perhaps we can eat some tuna together later' – before Katze had had a chance to appreciate it.

Besides, it was amusing to see Riki racing across the slightly slippery floor, Pet Ring jingling, a mouthful of blond fur clamped in his mouth and an irate Raoul chasing after him. Perhaps even more amusing was that Katze almost always came trailing after them, looking slightly put out, but would always try to look nonchalant when Raoul glanced over at him. It worked of course – cats can do nonchalance at the drop of a feather on a string – and Raoul never quite figured it out but Iason knew the truth.

And at the end of the day – or two hours awake, whichever came first – Iason would be able to stalk over to Riki, lie on top of him and resolutely wash the back of his head until Riki was purring so loudly the queens came over to see why he was so happy. That never failed to make _them_ unhappy – in their words, 'we've been trying to get you for months, some of us even years and then some not even grown kitten comes along and it's all you can do to stop washing him for five minutes!' – and that made Iason very happy. He did not like the queens that the humans kept here and he did not like that every few months he would be put in a box with one who wouldn't stop yowling. It gave him a headache.

He did like Riki and even if Riki didn't reciprocate, there wasn't anything Riki could do about it.

Life was good. Life was very good indeed.

Riki was now over a year old. He was disruptive and moody and annoyingly, routinely kept sneaking away from Iason to go and find the queens. True, most of the cats were gathered there, but Iason did not appreciate Riki's constant disappearances. Even if Iason himself was near one of the queens, that did not mean that Riki was allowed to be near one as well, although he'd noticed that actually, Riki was somewhat slow off the mark when it came to queens.

And then, _it_ happened.

Iason was used to the urges he always had when the queens started smelling deceptively attractive, as were most of the other toms. It was only natural to gather around them and court them and hope that maybe this time it would be you who got to mount them. But Iason was more intelligent than most of the toms and it didn't take a genius to realise that the queens were unappreciative and always hissed and spat and tried to scratch, so after the first few years Iason had stopped trying so hard. He was used to the queens going off with other, less important toms and was even used to the way the humans would always be vaguely annoyed with him afterwards. It was normal.

Which was why when he had the sudden driving urge to pin Riki to the floor he was surprised enough to actually do so. And then before he knew it he was mounting Riki and had a mouthful of fur and skin and was making short movements against Riki's back which felt surprisingly good actually and Riki wasn't even _protesting_.

"I cannot believe you did that, Iason." Raoul said afterwards, after Iason had tidied himself up. He was feeling a bit out of sorts and had a vague suspicion that he should go back for Riki, but seeing as Riki had been plastered to the floor and distinctly unlikely to move he resisted that.

"It was no different than with you and Katze." Iason replied. Raoul had the decency to look a bit contrite at that, but nothing could deter Raoul when he was on the warpath.

"At least I don't do it because I missed a queen. The humans aren't stupid, Iason. They saw you and they'll know that you didn't do it because of dominance. I am far my discreet. And I haven't even mentioned how unsuitable that runt is." Raoul said, twitching his whiskers.

"Very well, Raoul, I shall show them that I can still produce kittens for them. But woe betide you if Riki utterly misinterprets this."

As it turned out, Riki did misinterpret Iason's actions and his revenge resulted in a litter of particularly adorable little brown kittens, none of whom were worth anything and ended up being given away to nice families along the street (Riki would have been mortified to learn that one of those kittens ended up curling up around a very familiar grey-brown cat who was still looking for the mysterious disappearing Riki, but was pleased enough to have a small Riki lookalike). Riki would have run off, but Iason managed to pin him down again, and spent the next few weeks stalking the queens, not in an effort to make more prizewinning kittens, but instead to mount a slightly shell shocked Riki.

It was fun and Iason decided to keep it up, slowly transitioning his mounting sessions away from the queens and to more secluded areas. Riki was surprisingly okay with this – _"Just so long as the humans aren't watching okay? And stop biting my neck, it hurts goddammit." _– and Iason could not have been happier.

Then the humans decided that Riki was going to make the same trip Katze had all those years ago – had it really only been three years? Ah, time flies when all you do is sleep and eat and bathe. – and that would not stand.

Iason made his demands known by summoning an emergency cat meeting and persuading all of them to stage war when the Cage of Doom appeared.

"Why didn't we do this when they took Katze away?" one of the younger toms had the audacity to ask.

"I don't mind, really. I um, Raoul is enough." Katze replied, curling in on himself in embarrassment.

"If we'd known what would happen, we would have intervened. Now we know and we must prevent such a tragedy ever occurring again." Iason said gravely.

"But it happened only last week, when they brought home that kitten with the weird eyes." Said an unfamiliar queen. _She's made my list_, Iason thought angrily before replying.

"No-one liked him anyway. Can any of you say that you don't like Riki?" Iason glared at Raoul before the other cat had a chance to say anything. "Then we are in agreement. Besides, his kittens were adorable... _not that he'll be having anymore._"

The threat in Iason's voice was enough to make Mimea – Riki's unfortunate queen – quail in fear. Elsewhere in the house, Riki twitched and rolled onto his back, curling all his feet in the air. Iason found him there a few minutes later, and proceeded to wash his stomach and slightly lower until he was sure Riki was clean.

"'M not a kitten." Riki mumbled sleepily, but he was purring so Iason knew he wasn't really unhappy.

The plan went off without a hitch (no-one was distracted by the sparkly fish on a stick, although the crazy making zebra almost claimed three of them) and fairly soon Iason had shown the humans that trying to put Riki in the Cage of Doom was a plan (ironically) doomed to failure. Riki had been very thankful, once he realised what fate had been averted and Iason spent many highly satisfactory days 'asserting his dominance' over Riki and looking smug about it. Raoul kept on looking away from him, purportedly disgusted, but Iason knew better. Raoul was obviously concerned for Iason's well being, given that whenever Riki wasn't picking fights he was trying to escape what he saw as a cruel and unusual punishment (namely, being imprisoned and 'tamed' by humans).

Riki couldn't escape, Iason saw to that. Nothing was quite as effective as lying on top of someone to foil their escape plans, although mounting them came close (the cats of the household were forbidden to talk about the one instance when Riki had managed to wriggle free and get halfway up the road before Iason ordered Katze to bring him back). Even if Riki did manage to escape, he still had his Pet Ring and Katze would follow him endlessly. If Iason became particularly annoyed, he might even step outside himself and bring his wayward Riki home.

"I hate you, Iason!" Riki yowled from his position underneath Iason. Iason didn't bother to reply and merely continued washing Riki's ears. This was the life, Iason felt. A warm household, several servants to see to my every need, good friends (even if one of them was always annoyed in general) and a warm Riki beneath him, in prime position to be mounted if Iason's desires went that way. There was little more he could ask for. Except, perhaps...

"Mroooooooow, _Iason..._"

Yes, that would do nicely.

***Omake***

"What do you want to do tonight, Iason? Riki permitting that is." Raoul said, somewhat sullenly.

"Do you really need to ask that, Raoul? The same thing we do every night – try to take over the world." Iason replied. Riki sighed, as did Katze. Iason ignored them... they were such spoilsports.

"You haven't done that since my first night here, Iason." Riki pointed out.

"Oh? Well, then we should probably get back to it. Our last plan went perfectly and the humans are more obedient than ever." Iason replied. Silence reigned for a beat. "Well? Say it, Raoul."

Raoul sighed. "If I must. What do you want to do tonight, Iason?"

"The same thing we do every night, Raoul – try to take over the world."

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I hope you all enjoyed it, especially the omake. I swear, it almost killed me writing that. And if you don't know what the omake is parodying, where have you been all your life? (see: Pinky and the Brain)

In other news, Iason would make a gorgeous cat. Utterly gorgeous, and before you guys accuse me of cat favouritism, I am a combined dog and cat person - I'm happy with both/either. I just can't see Iason as a dog. Most of them aren't elegant enough and even the ones that are lack that snootiness that cats have.

_Rethira_


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